Commentary

The Senior Citizen Terrorist

She never fooled me! I always knew there was something suspicious about Sarah Weiss. You see, I work in the same office as America’s Most Wanted Senior Citizen. Bad back, my ass! I should have
known that even the Housing Partnership, a non-profit charged with creating affordable housing,
can be fertile ground for terrorist chicanery. (All this time I thought she was assisting with grant writing.)

Weiss, the latest homegrown terror suspect, was snared on July 5th as she attempted to return
home to her native Long Island after visiting her son in San Diego. (Most likely en route to see her terrorist masters in Pakistan.)

The sharp-eyed ticket agent at the airport’s boarding gate asked if she was indeed Sarah Weiss; and the terrorist, in deep cover as a 66 year old Jewish mother from Long Island, answered with a chilling “yeah”.

Then, within a fraction of a nanosecond, two San Diego policemen materialized to thwart her evil
intentions. The local TSA discovered, to their dismay, that her checked bag contained two ice packs sealed with duct tape and filled with clay (not highly fashionable bright blue gel that most American
patriots use to comfort their spines). And, she was concealing documents concerning Muslim Americans – damning indeed!

She claims that it was not duct tape, but clear tape that she used in order to repair the holes born of two decades serving her ailing back. Weiss also claimed to promote interfaith understanding, hence the written material about Muslim Americans. (Lies and more lies as far as I’m concerned.)

The New York TSA questioned Weiss about the strange looking ice packs in her carry-on bag before she boarded the plane for San Diego. Weiss obviously decided to avoid exposing her plot to undermine the foundations of freedom by concealing her strange back support device in the bowels of the unsuspecting airliner on the way home.

The TSA in San Diego would not be as forgiving this time. As soon as they discovered the items in Weiss’s bag, they whisked her from the boarding gate to the airport’s interrogation room – hidden deep within its inner most corridors (where stupid questions are supposedly shielded from public disclosure).

I have not been able to question Sarah Weiss myself, but according to ABC News, she was asked, point blank: “Do you know Osama Bin Laden?” Stunned by the seriousness of her interrogator, she told him that she wished she did because the $25 million reward for his whereabouts could come in quite handy. After some more super-silly questions, the HazMat team was called in to test her belongings. After three hours seated in a stiff plastic chair without back support, they set her free.

The TSA did insist on getting some mileage from this incident, mentioning it in their bulletin on July
20th. Her old-fashioned ice pack held together with tape was mentioned, along with various odds and
ends (loose wires, batteries and hunks of cheese) that should be of grave concern in the ongoing
war on terror.

Well, I for one can breath a little easier knowing that the TSA is on the job. Actually, I feel a whole
lot better about the hundreds of billions being funneled to secure our freedom at home and abroad.

I will no longer bring my wrinkled shirts to the police manning their ironing boards at the PATH
station each morning. I will remove all duct tape from my dwelling, cheese from my refrigerator,
and loose wires from wherever they may be lurking. And, when I travel, I shall do so as a naked patriot, ready and willing for probing in the name of freedom.

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© 2007 Splendid Marbles.