Commentary

Financial Turmoil Spawns Zombie Politicians

I woke up this morning, checked the headlines on Marketwatch, and aside from finding out that Asian and European stock markets were falling off another cliff, I stumbled upon a disturbing little article entitled “Lack of EU cooperation worsens turmoil”. It appears that our financial crisis has spread across the Atlantic. And more disturbingly, America’s breakdown of political leadership has traveled along for the ride. Apparently, the mounting market chaos is turning politicians on both sides of the Atlantic into zombies.

The new breed of European Union zombies met Saturday to shout and wave their arms frantically in response to the meltdown of their banking system. (Rumor has it they eyed reporters with flesh-eating intent.) Every zombie Prime Minister, President and Chancellor in attendance was concerned most with the damage being wrought within their own borders – coordinated efforts be damned. (Unmitigated self-interest is the zombie creed – which is eerily similar to the capitalist concept of enlightened self-interest.)

French zombie President Nicolas Sarkozy (who is also the current E.U. President) summed up the discord when the meeting adjourned by saying, “each government will act in its own way, but will have to coordinate with others.” That’s not the type of comment that instills confidence in the prospects for a well-thought out and comprehensive strategy to deal with this mess. (By the way, he goes by “Nicky” in the social circles of the undead.)

Right now, top German zombies are desperately trying to rescue Hypo Real Estate, a very large, and very troubled property lender. As a result, the German government said it would guarantee all bank deposits. This follows similar moves by the undead leaders in Ireland and Greece – which were criticized throughout the Eurozone by pre-zombified politicians before this weekend.

“The Economist” noted that five European banks were bailed out over a three day period last week (although they failed to make the zombie connection). The financial crisis that started in the U.S. last year with the unraveling of the subprime mortgage market has laid waste to some of the largest banking and investment houses in America and has transformed our political class from a pack of morons into a horde of zombies. Now it is working its way across the Atlantic. Although, there are two distinct strains: the European zombies seem much more like the more modern “28 Days” version than the traditional “Night of the Living Dead” which American politicians are emulating.

Marketwatch noted that the undead leaders in the U.K. were toying with a plan that mirrors the financial bailout passed in the U.S. last Friday. The plan, being considered by Alistair Darling, zombie Chancellor of the Exchequer, would recapitalize British banks with taxpayer funds in return for ownership stakes in the troubled entities.

It is quite clear to most human observers: this financial panic is causing politicians on both sides of the Atlantic to turn into zombies at an alarming clip. Although these creatures are relatively slow-witted, they can be prone to quick, reflexive actions when their survival is at stake.

Hopefully a cure for the financial turmoil will be found soon, and along with it, an antidote that will de-zombify the western world’s political leaders. Otherwise, the once placid western populace will be turned into rampaging zombie hordes as well. Personally, I much prefer to see monsters on my TV, not through my front window.

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© 2008 Splendid Marbles.