Commentary

Alaska Senator “Uncle Ted” Convicted But Defiant

Election 2008 is getting more like a poorly-scripted reality TV program as voting day approaches. The new plot twist involves Republican Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska; he just joined the swelling ranks of America’s fast-growing criminal population. Senator Stevens was convicted yesterday of violating federal ethics laws for concealing his acceptance of expensive gifts and costly renovations to his once modest A-frame dwelling. But, unlike many of his new criminal peers, “Uncle Ted”, as he’s known in the land of snow machines and oil rigs, is running for re-election to the Senate next week.

Yes, a convicted felon wants the vote of his fellow Alaskans. But he’s no ordinary criminal. As a youngster, Stevens was an Interior Department official in the Eisenhower administration, becoming a driving force behind the movement for Alaskan statehood. He’s been funneling billions in federal dollars to his wintry state over the course of his forty year Senate career. And, more importantly, according to Stevens, he was the victim of prosecutorial misconduct.

The NY Times had this quote from the defiant Stevens:

“I am innocent. This verdict is the result of the unconscionable manner in which the Justice Department lawyers conducted this trial. I ask that Alaskans and my Senate colleagues stand with me as I pursue my rights. I remain a candidate for the United States Senate.”

Obviously, Uncle Ted thinks he’s been tossed off a very tall bridge to nowhere. I think it might be useful to hear some quotes about this 2008 election development from his colleagues and from Republican presidential nominee John McCain, and his running mate, Alaska governor Sarah Palin. But what good are mere quotes? I will add my own interpretation – or translation, if you will – to add some spice, and maybe even a little meaning to these somewhat dry official statements.

Here is what Senate majority leader, Democrat Harry Reid, had to say:

“This verdict is a personal tragedy for our colleague Ted Stevens, but it is an important reminder that no man is above the law. Senator Stevens must now respect the outcome of the judicial process and the dignity of the United States Senate.”

Translation: It is a tragedy for you, Uncle Ted, but it brings us closer to a filibuster-proof majority in the Senate. And you had better go quietly into the cold Alaskan night or we’ll twist enough arms to get the two-thirds majority needed to toss you out.

The Republican leader, Senator Mitch McConnell issued this post-verdict statement:

“Senator Stevens was found guilty by a jury of his peers, and now must face the consequences of those actions. As a result of his conviction, Senator Stevens will be held accountable so the public trust can be restored.”

Translation: Guilty! No need for appeals. Get out of the Senate now and stay out. You are a disgrace to our already disgraced party. We don’t need any more thorns in our side.

Republican presidential nominee and fellow Senator John McCain released this statement:

“It is now clear that Sen. Stevens has broken his trust with the people and that he should now step down,” adding “I hope my colleagues in the Senate will be spurred by these events to redouble their efforts to end this kind of corruption once and for all.”

Translation: Ted, I’ve known you for 26 years, but I’m struggling real bad right now. This corruption conviction sucks, but it gives me a great chance to talk about my battles against earmarks. I need all the help I can get. And, If I lose, and you, by some twisted miracle, get re-elected, I will personally lead the charge to run you out of town.

And finally, from Republican vice presidential nominee – and current governor of Alaska – Sarah Palin:

“This is a sad day for Alaska and for Senator Stevens and his family. I’m confident Senator Stevens will do what’s right for the people of Alaska.”

Translation: White noise. This is actually quite a meaningless – or a completely meatless – statement. But, I think she’s trying to say: “sorry you got caught Ted, but I’m a national figure now, and you better not get in my way. But, on the other hand, Alaska’s a crazy, but super-swell place – look, they elected me as governor. And all the Joes, Janes. Bobs and Bettys out there might just send you back to DC. So, I’ll just throw some words out there in no particular order so as to protect my rear end.”

Well, good luck with the appeal, Ted – and thanks for making 2008 election year politics look even more like a crappy reality TV show. But it looks like you’d be best served by bowing out quietly under the cloud of chaos that’s engulfing this fair land. Besides, you’ll only serve a fraction of your sentence – it will be over well before your ninetieth birthday – and it’ll be in a place that most Americans who’ve recently lost their homes would be quite happy with. I hope you enjoyed the translations. For more sordid details about Ted’s battle with justice, click the links below.

The Washington Post

The Washington Times

The New York Times

Think
Progress

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© 2008 Splendid Marbles.