“No, I don’t think you’re going to hell.”

“Look, who cares about orphans anyway?”

So let me get this straight. You want to join the St. Patrick’s day choir?

Well I don’t think you’ve got a ’save the world’ complex…

I understand your upset you couldn’t run for a third term Mr. Bush, but there is nothing we can do about that now.

Yes. I know the republican party needs a new leader, but surely you can see why they might consider you to be a public relations nightmare.

Now why would you think nobody loves you? What about Marilyn Manson?

I’m sorry my tie is making you so unhappy. Let’s try and figure out why that is.

Please, go on…you were saying that your father thinks he’s “God”…

And how did that make you feel when she called you a “snake”?

“I know, they always vote for captions that are really not that funny…… or even seem related to the cartoon. It makes me want to cry too”.

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Have you been watching the news lately? You’re winning!”

“As I told you before, an exorcism is a vital part of your therapy!”

It still hurts when people call you “Lucy”?

I can’t help it that Dick Cheney made you look good.

You Horny Bastard

Doc, I’m scared I keep seeing rainbows and sunshine in my dreams.

No matter how hard I try, daddy still doesn’t think I am evil enough.

Have you and Rosemary considered joint custody?

I know it bothers you how they portray your relationship on that cartoon, but I really think that you and Hitler would benefit from couples therapy.

People don’t love YOU Satan, they love satin.

I can’t be your therapist anymore, I was baptized this morning.

“So,our Father kicked you out when you were how old?”

“So what I’m hearing you say is that you think the Bible is just bad press”

“Well, Mr. Dark Angel, It’s no surprise that you don’t frighten anyone anymore, try wearing a Brooks Brothers Suit… that’ll do it!”

“Well, let’s see. Under the circumstances, Have you considered plastic surgery?”

Listen, I think we’ve done a lot of good work here…………..but I think our time is up.

So what I’m hearing is that someone feels like the blacksheep of the family?

Only the Middle East calls the USA “The Great Satan”… you still hold the title everywhere else!

“Don’t cry… I said ‘cheese and rice.’”

Well, in this case I think we might be looking at a 12,000,000,000,000-step program

“actually doc, i made myself do it”

so no virgins after you blew yourself up?

i could have warned you there were no virgins…

Look, the virgins were only FEMALE if you went the other route – you can’t have everything you want!

You need to shake these bad feelings; your best tenants down there are expecting only hard core hellions, not melancholy.

Well! I guess the devil really IS in the details.

Don’t worry. I’m sure that world peace will never happen as long as you are on the watch.

ok you win

I feel your pain, but I don’t think you can avoid housing Cheney and his gang at your place again..

I know your out of work, but the theme park will never go for a deranged look a like, just because you have a tail.

“You need to develop a ‘devil-may-care’ attitude.”

“So , what do you want “For Christ’s sake ” to be substituted with ?”

“Fate happens now, you decide.”

“So, you never got a pet kitten for your birthday.”

“Lately all your clients have been investment bankers?”

I think we should explore a course of anti depressants for you. I just happen to have a sample of a new therapeutic drug …

It’s perfectly natural to cry……cough *sissy!* cough.

I fully understand that the horns and tail make you look like the devil….but that’s who you are

Don’t be upset b/c I won’t sell you my soul….I still might be will to make a deal with you

and how does that make you feel…..

Just because you are Satan doesn’t mean you have to be so mean to everyone! Give the angels a break!

I could have bought AIG…

I’m so happy, eh,eh,eh I sold my stock in AIG.

It’s okay satan! Maybe we can do a reality show on you!

You want do do a show about what again?

Other than “Go to Hell” did your girlfriend say anything else when she left you?

There is nothing wrong with being the understudy for Hellboy.

Well They Said It Would Only Burn For 7 Days

“You can’t help Hollywood typecasting… you’re Money, baby!”

Satan Cartoon
“I just don’t believe in myself anymore…”

“No Satan, me going to the restroom won’t count against the time in your session…”

Before you take me, I want you to watch the pendulum…

“Look I know you feel bad about Rosemary but we have to work past that…”

Look on the bright side. You saved 200 dollars on your auto insurance by switching to Geico

Let me get this straight. You went down to Georgia and you lost a bet over a fiddling contest?

“…so it’s at about this time in your relationship that you and Mr. Limbaugh seperated?”

Waxing is worth it…waxing is worth it…waxing is worth it…

IT’S JUST HOLLYWOOD, LETS TRY MEDICAL MARIJUANA

You were listening to that countrymusic again wern’t you?

Our motto here at Upstairs is “Just put on a happy face”

The whole world’s going to Hell and I’m now out of a job.

’sniff’ I’m going to miss George Bush.

“With many months of therapy, Satan got in touch with his suppressed anger of being abandoned by his father. He finally accepted that his father was just a goat.”

“Dr Katz finally convinced his patient that he is not to blame for the economy.”

“Look, nobody could have predicted that Hell would actually freeze over.”

“I told you not to go down to Georgia.”

“I notice you are still wearing Prada.”

“Ok, close your eyes and imagine your burning on a desert island.”

“Quit worrying about Dick Cheney. Everybody still thinks you are quite evil.”

yes I think there is a heaven, but i don’t think your going there!!

Sometimes a pitchfork is just a pitchfork…..

Look it’s no use crying,They chose Jimmy Fallon

would someone get my secretary ms fishbibe and tell her to crank up the a/c its hot as hell in here. hey doc is is alright if i schedule my remaining appointments after jan 1 2009 b.c.

so youre telling me that lately you havent exactly been a saint!

I think you’d feel better if you didn’t always think you were the ‘bad guy’ in every situation

Exactly how much money did you give Mr. Madoff to invest?

I keep having this horrible nightmare; I die and go to heaven.

Okay, Hell froze over. What we need to do now is explore your other talents.

I think my abandonment issues go back to when my father left me.

No, no, I don’t think you’re any less powerful now that Obama’s elected… When he said change, I think he was speaking strictly in the terms of voters who have not yet obtained immorality.

I mean, I know you have problems… but, doesn’t my tie just make you the happiest?!

I know you are scared that with all the snow we’re having that hell might freeze over….

Sympathy for the devil? No, it’s just a rock song…

“You know… they say you can go blind and straight to hell for that… It seems they were only half right”

Bide your time. Revenge will be sweet

How would you feel about discussing something other than ‘The Bachelor’?

“Global warming…and hell’s cooling.”

Quit feeling sorry for yourself;you think it’s been easy being the GOOD son?

I can’t see how it matters that the leather feels a little cold!

Just be patient a little while longer…the world will be coming to an end soon and you’ll get to play with ALL of your souls

That’s all the time I have for now. I’ll see you next week at your place for BBQ and beer.

Well I have to tell you Mr. Satan, I’ve never seen a rebellious stage last this long.

I know you didnt directly cause this recession, but I dont see why you cant take credit for it.

Well what did you expect, hes a freaking Angel?

I thought the directions on the jar said thicker and longer hair not thicker horns, longer tail.

“But you knew going into the gig that you could only stay for eight years.”

who knew the Holy Trinity was so dysfuntional…

Satan, we have been over this and over this, it can’t be because of your Mother!

So hell is freezing over because you can’t afford to heat it due to the recession… Why doesn’t that surprise me?

Tsk, Tsk, It is a tradegy that they excluded you from the bailout…

“So….. when was the first time you noticed the burning sensation?”

So why did you buy that BIC?

I told you politicians have no souls. Try the new idol contestants.

I see your point. There is nothing left to destroy!

“Doc, People are now corrupting themselves on their own b/c of the recession; Now i’m out of a job too!”

HE told me it was the one recession-proof job!

well, i knew you had problems, but i did’nt know they where that bad….

SATAN- i’v always felt second best…

“You Know I can’t dance without my teeth”

Devil-
“then you must die”

Devil-
“Did you just sneeze on my face?”

Charles-
“I think I left something in my car…I’ll be right…….back”

1. I warned you that crucifying the son of God was a big mistake!

2. You were told all along that you wouldn’t win when all was said and done so buck up and take it like a man!

I mean, I understand I’m getting older and the mood swings are bad enough but these hot flashes are unbearable!!!

You can bravely face this situation too Mr. Goatman, because you are not alone!

Referring to your mother as “that she-devil” is not helpful for these discussions.

“Look Mr Devil…..it will only seem like an eternity and besides, all your friends are going to be there with you!

“Now granted…., we’ve made great progress on the whole Horns, Tail and Hooves thing, but auditioning to becoming the next American Idol….well, let’s save that for another session!”

” Mmmmmm right……ah….can you hold that thought? I really gotta take a leak. Great. “

“Devour two heathens and call me in the morning.”

(Sigh)This recession has everyone calling on Jesus! Atheist, Jews, Muslims, I’m losing my touch #@*#!

my father said he didn’t pick favorites then Jesus was born

he says he will forgive anyone but my father will never forgive me

there’s no crying in hell

Maybe you should just give up on the Jonas Brothers.

Don’t fret, there is always another Bernie Madoff just waiting for a mentor.

You are not alone you are the third person sexually abused by Andy Dick this week.

Ok so now when did you say your God complex began?

I just can’t do it. I can’t get rid of marilyn manson.

OMG HE GRADUATED FROM UNIVERSITY OF NORTH CAROLINA

OMG HE GARADUATED FROM DUKE UNIVERSITY

OMG HE GRADUATED FROM DUKE UNIVERSITY

You didn’t seriously think your job was going to last forever, did you?

You can’t keep asking my advice. Who’s going to pay me for my time?

1)So…..The problem is,Hell is overcrowded and you miss the good old days when you really had to work at it.

2) I know he’s coming my way,but no matter how much I prepare…Dick Chaney scares the Hell out of me.

Look, just saying “the Devil made me do it” is clearly rationalizing!!

There is NO Way I’m going to help you to get your keys back.

“Can I PLEASE get in the chair now Doctor?”

“Mr Brown, I kindly request you check your pitchfork at the door along with your girlfriend’s umbrella.”

” Now that you are going to be laid off, why don’t you think of a career shift?”

“The bad news is that you are going to be out of a job. The good news is that the position for an angel is still open.”

“I think I know why your so conflicted…Isn’t Lucy Fur a girl’s name?”

“I told you before, you get what you give. I can recommend a good proctologist for you, but removing Hitler’s head is going to be a tight operation.”

The last time I saw my father? Gee … I guess it was after that big arguement. He said “Go to Hell!” and so … well … you know how my dad is.

Let it all out, then let it go, Satan. You’re not the first man in the world to suffer from erect-tail dysfunction.

I always wondered what it would take to see you in here.

So your telling me that overcrowing is a problem?

“demons need theropy to”

Hell’s a bitch, ain’t it!

Yeah…so my mama use ta tell me these nasty, mean bedtime stories…and then…boo hoo!

So Doc, give it to me straight. Am I a hellified demon or what?

I know its hard running the underworld, I’m sure the world will give you the credit you deserve.

” I don’t know why you are so upset, Gallup says 20 percent still like you…”

Yes,yes..we’ve been talking about your father for days, but it’s your relationship with your MOTHER I’m concerned about!

“Get the hell off my couch!! hee hee hee… sorry just a little pychiatric humor there…thought I could scare the ‘be jesus ‘ out of you,.. ha ha ha…oops sorry..there I go again! Aren’t I the little devil?!! haw haw haw”

Mr. Satan if you want people to like you just be yourself.

I’m sorry to have to tell you, but yes, your Mother is a circus midget and your Dad is a cow.

“I know you that you feel powerless since Mr. Bush is out of office, but don’t worry, you’ll always have the oil companies…”

I usually tell patients not to feel guilty about their actions, but this is slightly different.

And how do you think that made Faust feel?

Don’t feel sorry for him. I gave him a blanket and patted his head.

Ok, just so’s y’all understand how serious we take this thing, Mr. SplendidMarbles initially thought “Don’t feel sorry for him. I gave him a blanket and patted his head.” was an entry in the contest before I was forced to take the Punch and Judy approach to his re-education.

I really do love him.

things just arent going as i’d expected, thanks alot obama.

Why are we here today Mr. Satan? Did you lose another pitchfork on Halloween again?!?

———————————–

Keep crying and you’re going to boil your eyes out. Boiled eyes aren’t covered under your insurance plan.

Cheney would have made one hell of a Puriten.