…and the fireplace really pulls the whole room together.

I’ll even through in the worm-hole to an unkown time and place for free.

On today’s This Old House, we show you how to close a portal to the abyss.

First the voice that said get out when we walked in and now this… I think we should consider the 2 bedroom townhouse he showed yesterday.

Harold, that fireplace sucks.

…and in the winter months, you can go straight to hell.

The previous tenants did not pay their last months rent…so they will pay with their eternal souls. So, should we do this deal or what?!

This right here appeared shortly before the previous family “moved.”

It’s the new trend in the move to stop greeen house gases….

do..do…do…do…do…do…do….do….do….do

This is where I hid their bodies.

..this place also has quick access to the freeway, shopping and the 3rd dimension!

What can I say? It’s my labyrinth for couch potatoes.

Harry Potter might drop in every now and then with some….er…’friends’ of his.

That portal will become extremely handy when the In-Laws over stay their welcome.

If no one is around to pull your finger, this thing works just fine. It has other uses too!

If you squint and blur your vision slightly, you can actually see an image of Joan Rivers BEFORE her face lift.

NOW REPEAT AFTER ME “OBAMA…”

YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY…

Sure, falling in will wipe your exsistance from the very fabric of space and time, but look at the artistry in this beautiful hearth.

The government just had it installed.. It’s so they can take your money quicker.

The builder threw in plenty of options in this model house, including a home Stargate.

“…let’s see the Joneses keep up with this!”

This? Uh… it’s a shortcut to… the… Are you familiar with inter-dimensional travel?”

This new feature keeps track of your equity.

It’s kind of like a “dumb-waiter”.

“Now, here is a wonderful feature that you will find very handy when you buy this house. It’s an electronic bouncer to remove unruly guests.”

Just be careful, sometimes a Delorian with some short guy in it comes flying out of there every once in a while.

yeah, just last weekend I got sucked in there but I was able to meet Elvis.

“So as long as you keep a fire going you should be safe”

You act surprised, butI explicitly told you over the phone that there were some features of this house that were out of this world.

“Oh I can’t wait for you to see the rumpus room, go ahead…ladies first..”

This is the greatest amenity available. It’s called the Harry Potter 5000.

“And I guarantee this is the only fireplace in the world with CROP CIRCLES.”

My pet snail, Harvey, lives in the fireplace.

Where’s Helen? Well, funny story! She was complaining, AGAIN, about all the time I spend golfing. So I told her to go to hell and the next thing I know, this thing opened up and sucked her in! But shhh…don’t tell anyone! I mean, I didn’t do it, right, so what’s the harm? Isn’t that funny?!

That’s right Jim, this fireplace is completely flame free and one hundred persent Microwave!

Just don’t let the cat near it…

We think Santa got caught in a time warp.

Just remember not to say OPEN SESAME while standing on that hearth.

Stand over there and I’ll talk you through it.

“Now if you would, please stare into the fireplace and repeat after me: I want to buy this house. 578,000 is not out of our budget. I want to sign the paperwork right now…”

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. What is THAT doing in the fireplace, well I would ask the previous owners, but for some reason they have all mysteriously disappeared never to be seen or heard from again… That being said, it accents this wall very nicely. Moving on…”

I’m not quite sure where it goes, but you may want to keep the kids away from it.

It’s a wormhole. The seller will remove it before closing escrow unless you’d like to keep it.

You say this is where you saw Fluffy chasing a mouse?

We got it installed from a new company called “Brimstone Fireplaces.” Cool, huh?

Trust me! It’s just a quick way to the…umm…BASEMENT! Yeah, that’s it!

“The next house on the tour is in Amityville.

Any ideas on what happend to the nice family in the picture? They just suddenly disappeared!

It’s ventless.

This is a picture of a black hole to remind you of where all your hard earned money goes.

…and over here is the whirling vortex of death mentioned in the listing… You don’t see one of those everyday!

“The previous owners were big Donnie Darko fans.”

Now hop in there Jim, and you’ll see what happened to the last guy who wore highwater pants into my house!

Carol Anne says they’re here.

Now this feature here is very handy! this is your very own time portal. If your wifes chest gets any lower, just pop on in and perk them puppies up by bringing back a younger version!

Oh, this? My wife watched too much reality television and during an intense episode of Survivor, it opened up a portal and sucked her in.

You can just peek through occasionally to check on loved ones, but be careful not to fall through, it only functions one way.

Feel that flow? Warm in the winter, cool in the summer. Think of all the savings on your utility bills!

‘While You Were Out – Wormhole Edition’ is surprisingly not as popular as producers had thought.

You want to buy this house…you want to buy this house…you want to buy this house….

For some odd reason, whatever you toss in here winds up in Steven Hawking’s basement as a quantum singularity.

This is the exit for people who don’t sign the purchase contract.”

Oh, That? Don’t worry, it is only activated once a year when the the Intergalactic Alien Insect Olympics are held in the bathroom.”

We jokingly refer to it as the “Darth Hearth” around the office.

1) Nearly every option I’ve seen chosen as captions to vote on are terrible, and all within the same line of humor… this means one of two things… 1. The contest is rigged and a struggling artist’s ploy to maximize traffic to his site, or… 2. Those choosing the captions have no sense of humor… If you don’t know what I’m talking about, just look at this week’s options… based on this post, I almost assure you that one of the potential options for the newest cartoon will be “You are getting sleeeeeepy!” … or, “And we just put in brand new hard wood floors.”

Campbell sounds like a sore loser because his caption didn’t get picked-take your toys and go home and let the rest of us have fun.

there’s Jimmy Hoffa !

it;s the newest thing in California .. the fireplace is actually built around the wood .

Oh that? That is where I throw my toxic assets.

Yep, here’s your problem; you’ve got yourselves a vortex to another dimension.

“So after Marge told me her mother was coming for an extended stay, I naturally had to make some necessary adjustments.”

“You’d be surprised what you can buy online these days.”

“Yeah, this place was a steal! Of course we haven’t seen the dog in two months.”

…and for your convenience we have a portal to another dimension.

“This is the last photograph the wife took before disapearing up the Twister.”

…And this is our version of a central vacuum system. Be very careful when you turn it on!

Be very careful around this fireplace, the previous tenants, Miss Dorothy and her dog Toto, were standing right where you are and then…

Flip the switch, grab the kids and the dog, and get ready for an E-ticket ride!

It adds an air of mystery to the house, don’t you think?

“Is it wood burning?….It can be, if you stare at it long enough.”

“You know, you’d think so, but you really do get used to it.”

“Forget the fireplace,get to the doctors and get those lumps removed off your head.”

“Dare me to touch it?”

“…and this is my pet tapeworm – he came from my tummy.”

“…it’ll do WONDERS for your sex life.”

“This? Why this is just the latest in waste disposal devices – Monday is glass, paper and plastic, and Thursday you can toss in regular trash.”

Ok, if you want to save your house the bail out plan says you must step into the vortex to get your stimulus check.

Really, we don’t miss our television.

Honey, I told you we shouldn’t go on Trading Spaces! We got Hildi as our designer!

‘And THAT is where the missing socks disappear!

“Wow..cool door bell, now you don’t have to get up and answer the door or avoid any sales people like me, you just let ‘em right in…..so do u want to buy some cable”

“O this..its nothing to worry about, its just under construction right now”

“Com’on its not that big, you should see the one in the one in the bedroom”

Hey Cambell,

I won the caption contest once, and have no affiliation with this sight, so I know it is not rigged. Sometimes it does seem like there are some lame picks for the top five, but come on, you can’t expect everyone to have the same sense of humor. I am an entertainer professionaly and %99 percent of my audiences LOVE me. There is always ONE in the crowd who can’t see why everyone’s laughing. . .

It’s Alice’s hole. There’s a tea party in there.

“Look at it this way, folks, you’ll save a ton on airfare!”

Hey, Campbell! This is a fun contest and an overall great site to visit! The owner is a talented artist and a really nice guy. Keep in mind that humor is subjective. I ALWAYS think my captions are the funniest, but I’ve only won once. That doesn’t keep me from coming back week after week to try again and to enjoy what other people are writing. You have a simple solution if you are not satisfied with the choice of potential winners—just don’t come back. The rest of us will!

This goes out to Campbell. I read your criticism of this caption contest, and I have sent a thorough reply to your email address. Please read it and get back to me – I am interested in hearing what you have to say. (By the way, thanks Sheila + Scott!)

Pull my finger!

Midge and I thought this was the best spot to hang our Ken Nolan.

“. . .and THIS is my very own oil painting. It depicts Time, inhaling our money right up the chimney.”

And this is where we should put Obama’s anti-smoking Laws.