Well Kids “you see” your momma don’t have eyes, so you don’t have eyes either….

you think you got it bad…when I was your age, I had to dig through frozen clay to get to school in the winter…

Dad, when can I separte myself and have another brother?

No excuses boys…If you end up on the end of a fish hook..You be the best darn bait you can be…

Dad sits down to give his kids the hermaphrodite version of the “Birds and the Bees”.

Ya, I’m not sure how she is going to dry the dishes either..

Hey dad, why is Timmy’s clitellum larger than mine?

Here’s what were going to do if that early bird shows up.

Dad, why are there birds watching us through the window?

Johnny, do your homework, your not going to “worm” out of it.

Dirt for dinner? AGAIN?!

Weird thing is, your mother and I used to be the same worm.

Grandpa tried to scare the kids straight with the ghost story of the “Early Bird”.

You know how hard it is for your mom to wash dishes without arms or hands?

Why do I wear glasses if worms don’t have eyes? Good question son!

Ok kids, repeat after me….I am NOT a screw, I’m a bolt

“I`m sorry guys, our Woodworming days are over,the owners have just bought a plastic table and chairs.”

Dad, Johnny says vacuum hoses aren’t welcome here…., is that true?

Aw honey, can I eat those flowers? Or are they for company….

Someday you won’t meet someone you love, and you’ll decide to bud a new you. And thats how babies are made.

The principle called today. It seems one of my twins has been hiding in the teacher’s apple again?

…. and that’s how uncle Morty became an extra in the movie “Tremors”

What have I told you two about burrowing under the house? Now the kitchen isn’t level!

After it rained, yep, haha … and that’s when I realized I was stuck in the driveway

“How dare you call your father a snake.”

“Yea….Like I know where the humanhole to the Universe is located.”

“Stop hiding in the apples and do your homework!”

“Hey why is your dad wearing glasses?”

“He like’s to pretend he’s a bookworm.”

“Earthworms travel underground by the means of waves of muscular contractions which alternately shorten and lengthen the body. I used to do this uphill in the snow every day on the way to school…”

“So I jumped off the hook and swam like a bat outta hell to the surface.”

“That’s right kids, earthworms are hermaphrodites. YOU HEAR THAT HELEN, GO SCREW YOURSELF!”

what do you mean its as hard as shoving a worm back in it’s hole.

“Dear Lord… thank you for making the Heavens and the earth…”

“We come from a long line of dirt farmers…”

“Boys, I told you: ‘No talking dirty at the table!’”

Get over it. All worms are bisexual.

Father is telling his little worms about the birds and the bees.

For the last time we don’t have a favourite…we did back when you guys were just one worm…

Now its your first swimming lesson, every worm has to learn….

Listen up, you three – NOBODY gets more ‘wiggle room.’

Larry, stop baiting your sisters!

“No Willy, I don’t care that it will grow back, you still can’t stand on your bother’s tail!!”

In what could only be described as the last act of a lonely individual, Walter gathers random scrap air ducts to create his “perfect” family

Stop trying to wiggle your way out of the dishes. Two mouths get it done faster than one.

“You see children, I left your father because he was a nightcrawler……”

Edgar! Apologize to your sister for putting a hook under her bed this instant!

So June says,”Ward, go easy on the Beaver”.

I have bad news kids, your grandfather rose early this morning and…

“…because we, the family of Rothchild, returned to our original physical form during this most recent human evolution.”

“Well in my day, all we had was dirt.”

“Anybody else see the roast of Joan Rivers? I was born in her face you know.”

Non-entry:

It was never clear why Uncle Zim would wear glasses to correct his vision, after all he had no eyes and couldn’t stand to see himself in the mirror.

“Boy`s,it`s bad news,the Fire Brigade says you`re to small to join as Fire Hoses.”

“Yes, it’s true. The rest of the world does suffer from penis envy.”

I’m telling you both now, DON’T play with the neighbors! There’s something very fishy about them!

Dad, just because we stop leaving in dirt and start wearing glasses, doesn’t mean the neighbors will finally accept us as “normal”…

Manure this, manure that – Harriet, if you miss composting so much you should have married Tom instead of an apple borer like me!

Grandpa tells the kiddies all about the giant bird that almost got him back in the old days.

I am your mom and your dad. Can you spell hermaphrodite?

I told you two that if you got into trouble at school again you would be hosed and I mean it!!

Did I tell you that I was once a famous actor? I played the part of Robby the Robot’s arms in “lost in Space”

Kids, in these hard times it is good that our family is flexible. We need to stick together.

Kids, you need to stick up for yourselves when those other kids tease you. Just because you are a Hoover extension does not mean you suck!

“Count your blessings. Last week we would have had Amish dudes riding our backs.”

“We’re trying to keep up with the Leeches, so concentrate on becoming a blood sucker.”

I was part of the underground movement and helped overthrow the humans.

“Oh no… Not another one of grandpa’s World Worm II stories!”

“Father can’t help but cry when he talks about the early bird that got grandpa…”

“Earl, what did I say about telling the kids stories about fish hooks”

Luke, I am your father. And your mother.

…and that, kids, is why the late worm lives.

What do you say we go camping soon? You know, get back to the earth, turn over some top soil like the old days.

“We`ve been made redundant,the plumbers decided to use Plastic Pipes from now on.”

“You don’t want to end up like your Uncle Bobby” gramps said. “Decided he’d rather go see the world instead of going to school, made it as far as Mexico, and has been living at the bottom of a tequila bottle ever since!”

“Tell us another story grandpa!” “Yeah gramps! Tell us about the time you were on a playground and that gross boy almost ate you!”

Don’t worry kids we will never become obsolete. The next invention is just around the corner . Remember the flexible flashlight?

Just make sure you don’t end up in one of those white styrofoam cups and life will be all sunshine and dirt.

O.K. kids, tell your mom who left the worm droppings all over the house!

Two by two is four. Four by four is eight. Then after we take the kitchen, we hit the den.