“Yeah, they cut my dental… but I did get this gimp as compensation.”

My wife had the nerve to call me “controlling.”

“His barking kept me up all nite.”

“As a marriage therapist, I recommend this practice for all engaged men.”

“A gentle tug keeps them from quitting”

What they don’t teach at Harvard Business School.

This is my “Yes” man.

No Worries…He knows the safe word…..

Think kink!

It’s bring your slave to work day at my office.

My son-in-law works for the IRS.

How many gays does it take to train a “newbie”?

One of these things is not like the other. One of these things just doesn’t belong. Can you tell which thing is not like the other by the time I finish this song?!

He was voted the leash likely to succeed.

“He comes when you call, doesn’t speak out of line, is house trained, but still working on keeping him from attaching other men.”

“Nice ram head belt buckel George!”

He ran over my dog and offered to replace it.

“Reincarnation. He must have been a dog in his first life.”

The leash laws in this city are ridiculous

He’s my biotch, you have a problem with that?

I swear to God he’s gotta stop and sniff EVERY bush we pass!

It’s a Ponzi Scheme detector. If my broker here tries to scam me he gets a nice shock.

Hey, what can I say, it pays pretty well. Next week I’m gonna try walking two at once!

This is what he gets for threatening not to vote with the rest of us Republicans against the President’s health care bill.

…and he’s pretty well behaved, but when he DOES acts up, I just swat him with this newspaper.

He can sense a fire hydrant from a block away

I tried to tell him that the spiked collar just doesn’t go with the flowered tie, but do you think he ever listens to me?!

DAMN! There’s a fire hydrant up ahead! Here, hold my newspaper. I’m gonna need both hands to steer him clear of that thing!

He’s being punished because he didn’t wear a striped tie.

Do you know where I can find a “Straight guy whisperer”?

Yeah, he fetched my paper this morning but you should see him do my taxes!

He said the best way to find my dog is to ‘Be the Dog’

You know how it goes. When you order on-line sometimes the items aren’t what you thought.

He’s my wife’s. She always leaves it to me to train the new ones!

Yes, I got him on retainer.

“It was his idea. He said he wanted to show restraint.”

He actually provides more security than a Roth IRA.

“How’d you make him do that?”

“Tsst. TSST!! And then a fake hand-bite on the neck.”

“What’s up with his tie?”

“Ah, my wife dresses him on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

“Hey did you see Family Guy last night? James Woods tried acting like the family dog … how absurd is can that show get?

Most people treat their dogs like people i treat people like dogs.

“Actually, Congressmen make terrific pets once there house broken!”

“He’s claiming reincarnation. I’m not going to argue with that.”

“Apparently all vets have to do this as part of their tenure.”

“I can’t wait until he breeds.”

“No! I’m not having him fixed!”

“He sleeps at the foot of our bed every night.”

“Interns are the best. And we don’t even have to pay them.”

“When he pees on the floor I swat him with this rolled up newspaper.”

“I saw Pulp Fiction and thought, I’ve got to get one of those…”

Fido saw his chance and was about to make a run for it.

I don’t think they will allow us back after Mitch humped the waiter’s leg.

My wife asked me to take him back after he insulted her lasagna.

This is my attorney Mitch, besides chasing ambulances, he is quite tame.

We take turns walking our boss since he doesn’t get out much-whatever you do, don’t scratch him on the belly.

I hope this recession never ends! The unemployed will do pretty much anything for a buck these days.

If he’s not a good boy I just swat him on the nose with this rolled-up
magazine.

“Our new Director of Corporate Training apparently came to us straight from a stint at PETCO”

“We couldn’t afford a dog”

“The newspaper? Well apparently after I lead him to water, I have to make him drink”

What should we do? I forgot the pooper scooper.

“He became much more docile after we had him fixed.”

I remember when keep your staff on a short lease meant keep an eye on them at all times….

He’s half schnauzer and half day trader.

It’s the new law Mayor Bloomberg pushed through. Every smoker or homeless person must be on a leach at all times.

The salesman promised me he’d be a real babe-magnet…

You see? I clean up nice. I hope we can put all of this “lipstick” talk to rest now.

“I keep my alter ego on a short leash.”

Yes he is already potty trained. I just like to swat him with the newspaper sometimes.

They grow up so fast.

“I really shouldn’t have taken him out with that God awful tie of his on.”

“Ok. Just one more newspaper to deliver, then we can end this.”

“Yeah. That’s right. A DOG park. Now- should we be headed to a DOG park?”

“This is by far, the worst use of a gift card I have ever seen.”

“Hey-we go to England and you can drive.”

“My last position? I was a handler at the Westminster Show..why do you ask?”

Can you believe DHS get’s us grants to keep him in our Re-Education Program until he’s 26?

yes my wife really likes this pet better then the last one we had, and i just do not know why.

It’s a promo for a new science fiction movie. Buy a newspaper and get a free robot.

To save on health care costs, Dr. Epstein lets me walk his “crazies” in exchange for my therapy sessions.

Hey… Where is my dog? And why is his collar around Ted’s neck!?

My wife thinks I’m too controlling… Pff, can you believe that!?

well jim i am a member of P.I.T.A now

“I’ve been keeping him on a shorter leash since that CSPAN incident!”

It’s his punishment for wearing the flowered tie.

“No really, check out the resumes on Monster Jobs, these guy will do anything for a wage!”

the stock market has hit a all time low

You’ve gotta love these new regulations on lenders.

yep he lost the my bitch for a day bet

Craigslist really is a hell of a thing

Do you think it’s my fault that casual fridays are getting so strange at the office?

I’m not so sure starting a frat was a good idea…we’re almost 50

why do companies like google make the ‘most desireable jobs’ list and our company doesn’t? it makes no sense

“Ever since he saw that ‘Wolfman” movie……

“Yeah, some guys take crazy tie day just too far.”

I’ve used it ever since he came home with that Jessica Simpson CD.

He’s that outlawed terrierst breed, I got a lease on em and use the ol newspaper threat.

Putting him on a leash is the only way to keep him from chasing cars.

Don’t laugh, he won Best in Show.

It’s embarrassing, but it will have to do until he learns to heel.

I know what you’re thinking so stop thinking it.

In an effort to help the economy I posted an ad on Craigslist for a teacher’s pet.

You think it’ll be okay to leave him out here while we go in for coffee?

He’s my lawyer. If I let him off the leash everyone tries to run him over.

He’s Our new Intern. He used to work for the government. If we don’t keep him on a leash he wanders aimlessly and bumps into things.

He claims there’s a small but important typo in our lease agreement.

Don’t look at me like that. If he had a cell phone like a normal person, I wouldn’t have to do this.

Does he have to pee on every tree we walk past?

“We tried adopting, but this just seemed more ‘me’.”