Sally, you should have told me your mother-in-law was coming.

“I love Horney men.”

He’s a devil in bed, and he makes a great conversation starter.

“But, MOM, why can’t I get a “Devil Spawn” tattoo?”

“…and he’s a hell of a dancer.”

Darkness knew without opposable thumbs the martini was a BAD idea..

Are you ready for the trifecta ladies? Beer, KINKY SEX, and rock and roll.

Satan sat and listened to his wife go on and on with her friend and began to question his choice to settle down.

Thankful for being the father of lies he knew telling these chicks they were beautiful would be the only way to get them to come home with him.

“His forked tounge isn’t the only impressive attribute he has…”

Booze, sex, and rock and roll; the combination works every time! These two are mine now.

Honey, you know I’ve always encouraged you to express yourself. I didn’t even wince when you got the second nipple pierced…. but really?? She’s old enough to be your grandmother.

Satan thought if she doesn’t shut up she is going to get a hoof upside her head.

Dinner with the dreaded mother in law…. It was times such as these that Carl wished he had thumbs so he could down that martini!

People think Hell is scary… Try dinner with the wife and the mother-in-law, Lucifer thought to himself.

Mom, sure, he has his vices, but so do I!

Honestly Martha…you HAVE to stop thinking you can change them.

When you said you wanted a threesome with a guy who was “hell” in the sack…I pictured something different.

“We were much better of with the white elephant in the room”

We met on J-Date.

“At least he works for a living”

Dr. Spock on the night of a full moon.

Whenever we go to ethnic bars or restaurants, my husband insists on dressing like the natives.

“I wonder if they realize why I am here!!”

I am sick and tired of hearing “What would Jesus do?”

“You say we’re world’s apart but golly gee Cheryl, I just love the little devil!”

“Blanche,I’m curious,how do you feel about threesomes!”

” why did I buy another round? Well yes, actually in this case, the devil DID make me do it!”

“You have to admit that he is much better looking than some Minotaur!”

“Yes, he’s half man and half bull but I don’t care. He has a wild side that I just love.”

“Do you think they will recognize Bill at the masquarade party?”

“Don’t be a prude Margie, He nothing like the lounge lizards you usually date!”

I told you no more piercings and the horns are way over the top.

” Diablo began to feel cheap and tawdry as the girls continued to tempt him with booze and rock and roll!

I see what you mean – He is “Hot as Hell”

It’s getting hot in here – so take off all your clothes

I know – We had a devil of a time getting reservations!

But Mom….I didn’t think you meant it when I was little and you said you sold my soul to the devil!

Girl!!! Touch my man again & there will be hell to pay!!

Just ignore him. He always shows up during Holy Week to unsettle people.

“I know I agreed to a threesome, but I have to draw the line at nipple piercings.”

“You know, Timothy, the hooves sort of defeat the point of anonymous footsie.”

“To be fair, I’m just the Devil’s advocate here.”

Laurie’s taste for bad boys knew no limits

well i want us to get married in church but for some reason he will not even think of doing such a thing.

He said he wants the nuclear Buffalo Wings.

According to that TV dating service he is the man of my dreams.

Guess I’m in the right place!

Pan could only sit there in silence as he envied her opposable thumbs.

Are you sure mad cow effects humans that quickly?

“I’m with him because he’s hung like a horse..”

“I’m his hands assistant.”

“Honestly Marge, lighten up. It’s just nipple rings.”

“Yes, he’s my heaven sent dream man.”

“The escort service said they ran out of Easter bunnies.”

You know, Frieda, give me rock and roll and beer and the next thing I know, there’s a big devil sitting next to me.

Colin and I met at church.

Esther, I hope they have deviled eggs on the menu. It’s all Dave will eat.

What are we to do without these vices?…We need to join a teaparty!

Decisions, decisions. Jesse just couldn’t choose one, so he chose all of them.

Irene was getting a little tired of Claire’s jealous boyfriend always hanging out on their girl’s night outings!

He wants me to go home with him. Says I’m damned if I do and damned if I dont.

Cynthia, this is why I just don’t care for restaurants with a “Community Table.”

We’re not asking for your blessing mother, although it might have some bearing on where you spend eternity.

“This is exactly why I told you to bring me along when you meet someone off of craigslist”

Yes I do know the words to “Devil With A Blue Dress On”.

first i’ll have some deviled eggs, then ill have some devils food cake!!

taking the demon broads out for a devil feast

any one in the mood for something. HOT?

Why is the waiter taking so long? I am the devil

Have you ever been down to Georgia

I wonder if they have your favorite dessert

Did you bring your fiddle dear, the one i got you in Georgia

When mary asked if sue wanted to go on a double date…she didn’t realize when she said prince..she meant prince of darkness…

It’s a mixed marriage. I’m Jewish and he has cloven hooves

Oh, Mother, stop worrying. He’s just the drummer from a grunge metal band.

Being in the same room with his wife and his mistress, Bob wasn’t as uncomfortable as he had imagined.

Whoever sanded your hooves did a fabulous job!

Bob was cautious at first, but after a few martinis begin to let himself hope for the ever elusive ménage à trois.

I know we risk him bursting into flames, but we ARE going to be married in a church!

While Betty spoke of their upcoming nuptials, Bernard felt a twinge of guilt about his thoughts of death, despair and eternal damnation.

“Helen’s right, dear. The sign does say, no shirt; no service.”

Now be easy on him tonight- the poor dear’s been through Hell.

Jack, Chrissy and Janet reunite at the Regal Beagle in “Three’s Company: The Movie”

“I don’t want to brag, but yes, the nipple rings were my idea!”

Yes I do agree with you the peppermint liniment has a hell of a strong odor, but Sally it is THE BEST ACTIVE LUBRICANT on the market….

“I could do soooo much better than these two. Why am I bothering, I don’t even see cleavage.”

I know he’s not much to look at, Mom, but we have so much in common. He’s a lawyer, too.

He answered my personal ad:

Female, 5′2″, enjoys extreme sports, seeks male dare devil for friendship.

I met him on my vacation last year in Tazmania.

“Ever since he started anger management, hate crime rates have been reduced 42% across the globe.”

“My husband is a spiritual adviser. He focuses on spiritual destruction, confusion and mayhem.”

“Lu here says he has a surprise trip planned for us. All he will tell me is it is a long, warm stay in the deep South!”

“I thought he was running a fever but in fact he was a bit chilled at 185 degrees.”

“Is it me, or is his tail a bit sexy?”

Excuse me “Lou,” but Shelly and I are here for Speed Dating, not an eternal comittment.

“Oh my boyfriend is the Chief spirit of evil and adversary of God, tempter of mankind;, and master of Hell. What did you say your boyfriend does for a living?”

“Oh yeah, it’s huge! The table’s balancing on it right now.”

“I’m ok with piercings, the scaley red skin, horns, and pointy ears but I draw the line with tattoo’s.”

“Afraid of him? No, I’ve been married to his brother for twenty years.”

“How? It’s a funny story…I asked my assistant to write a letter to Santa. Turns out she’s dyslexic.”

I think you’ve had enough! Now don’t look at me like that Lucifer, you know you can’t handle your alcohol.

Ok, so the waiter made a crack about your thinning hair. Was it really necessary to turn him into a flambeau?

Dating…..you know what hell it can be.

Hell and Damnation….that’s our first choice for the kid’s names.

I’ll have the devil’s food cake. What about you, angel?

Looks like Barbra Walters forgot to put on her mask and makeup, again.

Even the Devil has a hell to live through.

Nobody seemed to notice seemed to notice that Elizabeth Hasselback forgot to apply her makeup on The View again this morning.

Honey, this is the last time I am going to say this. Get your hooves off of the table!!

So Marge who’s he here for, you or me?

Listen you big, bad “Prince of Darkness” if you tell that evil mother-in-law joke one more time I’m gonna rip one of your horns off and shove it down your throat!

After passing the healthcare reform, Pelosi and Clinton treated the Commander in Chief to a drink

Lucifer decided to finally take advantage of the fact that everyone likes a little devil inside of them

Satan appeared bothered as Tina broke first date rule #1…..no touching the hoof

So how is Saddam doing these days?

We made a deal. I got a perfect NCAA bracket sheet and he gets to take me to hell.

The two women stared fixedly at the devil’s nipple rings as he pawed the table.

“When I signed up for “Speed Dating From Hell”, I didn’t take it literally, did you?”

Eleanor always liked men with a little devil in them.

I don’t think American Idol was the best place for you.

If you don’t move somewhere else, it’s going to be tough to meet someone.

You need to stop hanging out with the Grim Reaper if you want to meet someone.

I know, it’s tough to meet someone when you’re a couple of thousand years old.

Very impressive, but how ’bout a game of darts for the drink tab?

Sounds like a nice place, but I’m bettin’ Hades doesn’t have much of a bowling team.

Oddly, I find myself warming up to him.

Satan moonlights as a Chippendale in order to make ends meet.

Listen honey, you’re with friends now. I think you need to be yourself, put that dress back on, and let the world know that you want to be called Lucy from now on!

Look at it this way…you made it out of hell, coming out of the closet should be easy!

Go to Hell! Nobody tslks to Anita like that and gets away with it.

I’m sorry! I know this must be hard for you..But, I love her!

Uncut scene from the upcoming Sex and the City…

“I’ll do it if you do it.”

Intervention: Hoof Sex Addicts

“Lets just say his bologna filled up my lunch box.”

Irving had never been on a double date before, but it was like the old saying, “Two horns are better than one.”

Centaur tried to unstick himself from the vinyl seat, as Jill rambled on about her unhappy marriage.

“No offense, Mr. Centaur, but although Molly and I won’t be a traditional family, we were hoping for a somewhat more traditional donor father…”

“he’s been cut back to 20 hours a week since Wall Street cornered the market!”

You’re making the number one demon of all dating mistakes… “But we’re in love!”

Let’s just hoof it for now.

Harry, dear, this is Miss Priss from the Census Department. You forgot to fill in the section about what “Race” you consider yourself.

I see you’re having trouble holding the glass. Would you like a straw?

Martinis in a beer joint! No wonder we look out of place.

why is he so much into details any way

you had to say you would give your soul for those shoes.

you got to be kidding me, you met him at the shoe store

“Of course, when we say the service has ‘gone to hell,’ we don’t mean that literally!”

“No, really, we insist on picking up the tab – let’s just say we would rather you owe us!”

“So you’re like a minotaur – anatomically speaking?”

“Oh you devil… you are making us SO hot!”

“Honey, we grew up in the sixties – are you sure you’re up for that?”

He wants me to spend eternity with him.

CAPTION “Heaven”

you had to say you would give your soul for those shoes.

All he wants is your soul, and you get to be the lpga champion!!

This is a hard thing to ask, but can you please carry our child?